Confessions: Fears

Tags

confessions, fears, I John 4:18, Joshua 1:9, Mexico

This post is going to be a little bit different. And I want to make a few points before you read these, so you are clear about my…heart and reasoning regarding these. For many of you, you could probably care less about reading these because they aren’t entertaining for funny to read. So feel free to stop reading now. This is more for me than anyone else.

Now, maybe fears is not the perfect word to use for each one of these confessions, but let’s think of it as an umbrella term in which all the other ones I could have used (worries, inquietudes, wonders, scaries, things that unsettle me, etc.) fall under.

For my reasoning:

First: I’m not good about admitting when something is hard for me. These things below are all things that are hard for me and make me this awful weepy person that I have been for the past…week….s…..month…s….errrr.. I’m hoping and praying that by somehow voicing these fears it means the next step will be to have them somehow overcome…or solved…if you can solve fears. So again, this is for me.

Second:I know that I have no reason to be afraid. at. all. I John 4:18 “Perfect love casts out all fear….” Christ is that perfect love and He is mine. I am His. And even though I have these fears, I know He is with me. I’m not a Bible-basher, don’t worry. So again, this is for me. Having to put it into words, type it out, and have these verses in front of me will hopefully take root in my head and heart.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

So here goes nothin…

1. I’m scared to leave Mexico, even for a little while, and lose my Spanish. I know I still sound like a gringa, but I don’t want to lose any of the accento Mexicano that I have tried so hard to learn.

2. I’m scared to leave and possibly lose this person I care about so much; to lose one of my best friends…lose him more than I’ve lost him already.

3. I’m scared he will never realize how great we would have been together.

4. I’m scared the only thing in the way is fear of a really good thing.

5. If he does happen to realize how great we would have been together, I’m scared he won’t come after me.

6. I’m scared I’m becoming this angry, sad, bitter person…

7. I’m scared to teach in the States. Too much stress, too much red tape, too many politics…and I’m too used to and happy with Mexico.

8. I’m scared to even try to listen to God’s voice or make any decision whatsoever because I apparently was off last time, or didn’t understand correctly, or hear the timeline on it at all…

9. I’m scared and sad to leave people here who have adopted me into their family, their lives, their world, and treated me as one of their own.

10. I’m scared I won’t be able to express to people how much I care about them and how much they mean to me. I’m scared they will think I’m one of those gringas that says she will miss Mexico, but doesn’t- when I KNOW I will.

11. I’m scared to have to re-acclimate myself to Minnesota when I know my heart will be aching for México mío, unsure that anyone will REALLY understand.

12. I’m scared other people will come and fill the “Marin” here when I’m gone.

13. I’m scared to buy a one-way ticket.

Until next time, Me.

Confessions #3

Tags

bananas, bones, Chivas, confessions, dad, food, roller derby, sports, travel

1. I’ve never broken a bone….amazing, considering all the sports and ridiculous play I get myself into.

2. I love living abroad. I would love to live in yet another country, but I don’t want to move to another country without someone.

3. If you are an adult, I don’t think you should have to eat foods you don’t like. For example, if I cook you dinner and you don’t like it. Don’t eat it. I will not be offended. Life is too short.

4. I love going to sporting events with my dad. ANY sporting event.

(Daddio, we should have taken a pic when u took me to the Barn to welcome home to Gophers after March Madness in HS.)

5. I’m VERY picky about bananas. I only like 3 types of banana related things: bananas (you know, straight from the tree), banana bread, and banana chips. Everything else banana…NO THANK YOU.

6. I would love to have my own swimsuit line and make swimsuits for people. YET, I have designed and made one, and now I know why swimsuit prices are so stinkin high- suits are hard to make and take a LOT of time.

7. I’m a syrup snob. I will eat nothing but pure maple syrup. It is my mother’s fault for spoiling me. Aunt Jemima, you will NEVER be good enough.

8. I think I would be a killer Roller Derby chick.

Probably not as cute as them, but oh well.

9. Italy. I want to go back.

10. I was, along with Jensine Pulford, and official member of the Irreverente porra de Las Chivas.

Yes, that one.

It Was Too Soon

Tags

comfort, death, friends, God's sovereignty, Karina, loss, Mexico, mourning, support system

“All death can do to the believer is deliver him to Jesus.  It brings us into the eternal presence of our Savior.”

John MacArthur

A few weeks ago I experienced a great loss. My friend Karina, 31, was taken unexpectedly to be with our Heavenly Father.

I have not experienced a lot of deaths of loved ones in my 26 years of life. I’ve lost grandparents who I loved very much. These deaths were not surprises, and they were well along in years. I lost a teammate to suicide in high school. One of my students lost his dad in a car crash. These were difficult to deal with. But nothing in comparison to Karina.

Making friends in Mexico has been hard, especially female friends. I had a rock solid support system of girlfriends in the States, and it took me a really long time to find some here.

Lucia so graciously adopted me into her real family during Christmas 2009 when I was not able to go to Minnesota. She then introduced me to her group of “Fab 5″ a little after and they as well adopted me into their group. Let me tell you, as a female, letting other females into your group is not an easy thing. Karina was part of this group of Lucia’s. And they made me feel so loved. They are truly a huge blessing in my life. Here’s a little picture summary of my friendship with them.

Chivo’s Birthday: The first night I met them Jan 2009

Phoenix concert: RAINY RAINY RAINY but oh so much fun.

Beach trip to Sayulita: Chivo turns into a superhero

Ale’s Birthday

Lore’s Birthday

My Small Group (minus Lucia’s mom who’s taking the pic) on my birthday

Celebrating Christy’s engagement

Posada de la Vecindad

Runway Show for Christy and Karina’s clothing line: Farala

Girls Crepe Night: the last night I saw her

These pictures and events are treasured memories to me: a huge example of God’s love towards me.

Karis passed away on Sunday night. I found out on Monday morning, when I got to school. I was shocked. So shocked I didn’t exactly know how to react. “Is this for real?” i kept thinking. I had no idea what funerals or the mourning process are like in the US, let alone in Mexico.

Immediately after school I headed to the funeral home or panteon as they call it (like a US funeral home/hotel mix). The whole afternoon people would come pay their respects to the family. The room was the size of a small conference room filled with lots of pleather couches, end tables, flowers and lamps. Towards the back of the room was a mini alter/ banister about knee-high and behind it was the coffin. There was space for you to pass and look in if you chose to do so. I did. She looked so peaceful. Before I went before the casket, I greeted Karina’s mom. It’s a tough thing to do, because what do you say? I don’t know her mom super-well because I’m not a childhood friend like many of the rest, but I was touched by her when I greeted her. She hugged me so tight. She knew my name. She introduced me to the lady she was with. And she didn’t force me to say anything. We said and exchanged all we needed to in the heartfelt embrace we had. My heart was breaking for her, not because we don’t know where Karina is, but because she out-lived her daughter. No parent wants to do that.

Outside of the room in the lobby there was also quite a bit of space filled with the pleather sofas, etc. plus a soda fountain and coffee area. People would come and sit, then leave. Or come, stay and talk. At 8pm many people arrived for the little message a pastor was going to give. He started with a prayer:

“Dios, tu eres Soberano….”

“God, you are Sovereign…” He talked about the fact that we are at a loss as to why Karina was taken so soon, but we know that God is in control. And He makes no mistakes. At this point, I could not hold back the tears. I wept because that is exactly what my heart was feeling. Why Karis, Lord? Why now? Why like this? This beautiful creature who wanted so much to get married and have babies just like I do. This motivated and talented young woman who works so hard at what she does and invests in her friendships just like I do. This seeker of you Heart and your Kingdom, just like I am. Why?

What now?

I looked around to see a fascinating group of people, who had all come together to mourn and celebrate Karina. Faces I recognized from my church, the pastor of my old church (but not Karis’ church), different groups of friends who I had spent time with at various concerts, bar, restaurants, etc., even places I was not at with Karina, cousins and aunts of Christy, Lucia’s parents, the Bravos, all joined together because Karina’s heart shined bright.

The Sunday after this happened, my friend Toño got to preach at church.  It’s always a blessing to hear Toño preach because for being so young, he is very gifted in this area. He’s good at putting the thoughts and questions that are running through all of our heads into words, and sets out to answer them WITH us.

The past few messages in church had been about grace. Now, I cannot tell you the main hook he make about grace exactly in this sermon…but I got a lot of other stuff out of it. He took a twist this week as we looked at Romans 6:3-4,11, 8:4-19, 1 Cor. 2:14-16, Col. 3:5-17.

He started off the preach asking the question, “How many of you have ever dealt with the death of a loved one?” What do we associate with death? We see in some of these verses that each time the body is mentioned it is mentioned regarding death. But each time the spirit is mentioned its is mentioned regarding life. “Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Jesus Christ  were baptized into his death? We can forget about this body/life now, because we have life in Him, regardless of what happens to our body. The confession was given that we have a problem with this because we have a hard time dealing with the things we can’t see.

What is death for us? It opens our eyes to the spiritual life, it makes us understand the value of things. That money, clothes, work doesn’t REALLY matter. So with all these considered, do you think it is a coincidence that Christ keeps telling us to die to ourselves? Good point.

Now, I confess my thoughts and notes and ramblings are all over the place. At the time, I wasn’t taking notes knowing that I would be blogging about them later…

Romans 8:9-11 is the one that really hit me:

“You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.”

These bodies God so graciously blessed us with are temporary. In the end, they don’t matter. Karina just got to go enjoy the streets of gold a little earlier than the rest of us.

I miss her.

But God’s purpose is in it. He is Sovereign.

He is Holy.

He knows best.

Pics from Christy and Che’s Civil and Church Wedding: April 12 and April 14, 2012. Karis, we missed you this day especially, but we did you proud on the dance floor.

I miss you deeply, Karis, but I WILL see you again someday!

Confessions #2

Tags

bicycle signals, carrot juice, confessions, drain, rice cereal, summer fashion, winter boots

1. I HATE it when people walk on the LEFT side of the road.

2. I used to eat rice baby cereal for breakfast in high school

3. A bicycle is my transportation, but I know NONE of the hand signals bikers are supposed to use to signal stops, turn, lane changes, etc. Errrrr….

Not that they are that hard…maybe I can learn them…..nah.

4. I like it when waiters remember my drink

5. I have come to terms with the popularity of Speedos on males here in Mexico. BUT I’m grossed out when the males use their colored Giorgio Armani briefs in the lap pool and think it’s a Speedo. WAY obvious guys. Material is SO different. I can tell it’s underwear. No thank you.

6. I think I would do well in the Hamptons.

7. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend, let alone ever had to introduce someone to my family or friends as my “boyfriend”.

8. I hear that if you eat enough carrots or drink enough carrot juice, your skin will start to turn orange. I would like to try this, just for fun, to see if it would happen.

9.I’m annoyed when I see people wearing shoes that are out of season…for example, winter-ish boots in spring, summer or fall

NOT OK. EVER. You can show off your legs in a much better way.

OK, CUTE EVEN.

Jessica Alba, you are the best.

10. I don’t get grossed out by very much. At all. But one thing I absolutely abhor doing, and it makes me want to gag, is cleaning out the little thing that catches all the food in the drain. It matters not how much or how little food is in it. BARF. And I will avoid it at all costs.

Until next time, CHEERS!

Confessions #1

Tags

bike, Chicken in a Biskit, confession, light-up shirt, salad

I know it’s been a while since I did an entry, and I have at least 2 I’m working on. A lot has happened that I want to share, but unfortunately not much of it is light-hearted. So to keep you tuned in until I’m ready to post the other things, here is a new addition to my blog: Confessions. A random list of 10 things about me that you probably don’t know, or things  you already knew, but didn’t know the reason behind. Enjoy!

1. Sometimes I only paint the toes that show in sandals or peep toe shoes.

2. I like light beer with Clamato because it tastes like Chicken in a Biskit crackers.

3. Salad and deep dish pizza really are my favorite foods. I just like lettuce and vegetables a lot, okay. Don’t give me a hard time and act like I’m lying. I don’t pick it because it’s healthy; I pick it because I like it.

4. For those of you who don’t know, transportation for me is a bicycle. Now, I’m not one to use a lot of profanity, BUT I wish I had a light up, glow in the dark, easy-to-read shirt to wear while on my bike that was visible day and night, that using some choice words, said, “GET OUT OF THE WAY” or “IM FOLLOWING THE LAW, YOU SHOULD TOO”. Something like this:

5. I don’t like aerosol deodorant because it tickles my armpits. Stick is the way to go.

6. I took the doors off my closet, because I like to be able to see ALL of my clothes at the same time, even if they are out of season.

7. I love Anne of Green Gables and Gilbert Blythe is a stud.

8. I have NEVER broken a bone. I know, weird considering how many sports I play(ed).

9. I’m 26. My little sister is 19. She is my best friend and I feel like we are the same age….maybe we can say we meet in the middle.

10. I hate how here is Mexico it is customary to sweep your sidewalk/ driveway/ street..RELIGIOUSLY. No thank you.

Thank Goodness

Tags

6th grade, flowers

Thank goodness for those 6th grade boys who:

1. Aren’t too cool yet to give their teacher Valentine’s Day gifts

2. Aren’t ashamed to give FLOWERS.

3. Know how to make a girl (of any age, even me) feel special. This student’s father taught him well.

No Doubt Alexander Was Ripped, Buff and Built

Tags

6-pack abs, Alexander the Great, buff, built, Greece, history, Macedonia, Persia, ripped, social studies

This year I have the priviledge of teaching History….Ancient History. As a child, well not child, but middle-schooler, I remember study, study, studying until my eyes were red…as well as being flustered and stressed out the night before an exam. My mom or dad would try to quiz me on vocabulary terms and dates, and much of the time, I just could not grasp all those details.!

In hindsight, this stressful History background I have is (hopefully) making me a more conscienscious teacher as far as the types of study guides, homework assignments and assessments I give. BUT, it’s only my first year with History.

We have recently finished our unit on Ancient Greece. One of the heroes of this era was Alexander the Great. I must once again confess that I did not learn a lot about Alexander the Great in middle school….or else I did, but don’t remember anything. After watching various videos about Alexander, reading about him from our history book, talking about some of the things he did, I assigned a homework assignment that we started one day in class. They were to create a comic strip about Alexander the Great. They were given a lot of freedom in the battle or subject they those to create. Alexander’s army’s trip through the desert, his creation of Alexandria, his tragic death, and the chaos that ensued after his death were all chosen topics. Another common thread I noticed throughout these comic strips was in the depiction of Alexander. A picture of Alexander the Great was not in our book, but for some reason (I assume based on character traits) he was mostly portrayed as RIPPED, BUFF AND BUILT. This is mostly just portrayed in drawings, but some students did go as far as to proclaim these characteristics in writing as well. www.dictionary.com has the following definitions of the words I chose to use to describe the drawings my 6th graders did. I think it hits the nail on the head:

Buff: adjective

Slang . physically attractive; muscular.

Built: adjective

having a good physique or figure: That lifeguard is really built!

Ripped: adjective

informal  denoting or having highly developed muscles, esp abdominal muscles: a ripped torso

And what you have finally been waiting for! The ripped, buff and built Alexander the Great slideshow! Enjoy!!

Note the skill of drawing six-pack abs that these kids have…and the biceps. hahahaha

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His Perfect Love

Tags

Belive and Be Satisfied, contentment, mentor, patience, small group, Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day was two days ago. And middle school is the perfect place to be. I can confess that it is no longer one of my favorite holidays because my mom and dad are not close enough to give me the beautiful flowers and homemade Valentines that always made me feel so special, yet I do still enjoy it because I love to watch the gifts, cards and candies given and received in my 6th grade class. I could feel the anxiousness of those 6th grade crush/confessions for a least a week before the actual event.

Yesterday was a small group day at Club Bancario. Every Wednesday is PE and small groups where 6-8th grade heads to the club (a glorified YMCA). It being the week of Valentine’s Day, the topic of small groups was “Me and My Dating Relationships”. Might as well milk it for all it is worth since all the students are already sucked into the propaganda and mushy feelings already. My thoughts as I heard what the topic was going to be were,

“Oof, I am really not the best person to be a leader on this topic!”

“Hmmm, my experience  and success is definitely lacking in this area. Lord, help me share wisdom with my girls!”

“I’M the one that needs to be a member of a small group for this! Not the teacher! How do I get through to these precious girls that they are beautiful, special, unique and all they have to do is look to HIM?”

I racked my brain for a day or two trying to figure out what a special thing I could do or how to explain to these girls how and why to guard their hearts. What can I say that will get through to them? Then I realized that it wasn’t anything I needed to say, it was what Christ has to tell them. I ran across something I keep in my journal that I got from a friend a couple of years ago when she was going to give copies to her 6th graders. It encompasses so many of the feelings, worries, thoughts etc. that I, as well as other girls/women deal with. The original author is unknown. I’m going to share it with you in English and Spanish.

Believe and Be Satisfied

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively,
But God says to us:
Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me
alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an
intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only
in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human
relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until
you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of
any other desire or longing.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
one that you can’t imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things,
keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am,
keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
You just wait.
That’s all.
Don’t be anxious.
Don’t worry.
Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I’ve given them.
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready,
I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for
you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me and this perfect love.
Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with
Myself..

Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

Cree y Sé Satisfecho

Todos quieren darse a si mismo completamente a alguien,

para tener una profunda relación alma con alma,

para ser adorado completamente y exclusivamente,

pero Dios nos dice a nosotros:

no hasta que estés satisfecho, lleno y contento por ser amado solo por mi, hasta darte totalmente, incondicionalmente y sin reservas a mi, con tener una relación verdaderamente personal y extraordinaria conmigo.

Descubriendo que solo en mi está tu satisfacción, serás capaz de tener la perfecta relación humana que he planeado para ti.

Nunca estarás unido con otro hasta que estés unido completamente conmigo.

Quiero que dejes tus planes y tus deseos egoístas para permitirme darte el plan más emocionante que exista, uno que tu no podrías imaginar jamás.

Quiero que tengas el mejor; por favor, permítame traerlo a ti.

Que siempre tengas la satisfacción que yo soy, sigues escuchando y aprendiendo las cosas que te digo.

La única cosa que tienes que hacer es esperar con fe.

Eso es todo.

No seas ansioso.

No te preocupes.

No mires las cosas que otras han conseguido o que yo les he dado.

No mires las cosas que piensas que quieres.

Solo mantén tu mirada exclusivamente en mi o te perderás lo que tengo para mostrarte.

Y entonces, cuando estás listo, yo te sorprenderé con un amor mucho más maravilloso que cualquiera que hubieras sonado.

Entonces, hasta que estés listo y hasta que él que yo haya preparado para ti este listo, hasta que sean satisfechos exclusivamente conmigo y la vida que he preparado para ustedes, no podrás experimentar el amor que ejemplifica tu relación conmigo y este amor perfecto.

Y amado, yo solo quiero que tengas ésta amor maravilloso.

Quiero que veas en este persona, tu relación conmigo, para que disfrutes sustancial y concretamente la unión eterna de la belleza, de la perfección y del amor que yo te ofrezco.

Recuerda que te quiero muchísimo.

Soy Dios.

Cree y Sé Satisfecho.

I decided to start off with this reading at the beginning of small group. I gave it to my girls in both English and Spanish. I think it is prettiest in English, but just so that the whole meaning gets across I wanted them to have it in Spanish too. I read through it and asked the girls to follow along. To confess, it was extremely difficult to read through out loud. I had to slow down, talk louder, and choke back tears (so that my girls wouldn’t notice) as I felt so many of the phrases hit me hard. Sharing with these girls was not only a topic for them, but God used it as a reminder for me too.

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

- Ephesians 3:14-20

Superbowl Sunday 1994

Superbowl Sunday happened on January 30, 1994. It was a memorable day for the Buffalo Bills as well as the Cowboys, but I guarantee it was an even more memorable day for me. On Superbowl Sunday 1994 my life changed forever.

I was 9 years old. 4th grade, I think. I had been asking my mom to give me extra juice boxes in my lunch. I was getting skinnier. After P.E. class, sometimes I would feel shaky. I was going to the bathroom a lot. Little did we know, but these are symptoms of diabetes.

My stomach hurt, it hurt to go to the bathroom, I had a fever, and it was a Sunday. Superbowl Sunday. If any of you know my dad and what a huge sports fan he is, I’m assuming that bringing his daughter to Urgent Care was not what he was planning on doing that day.

Blood test were done. Urinary tract infection and a little more.  “Ma’am, it looks like your daughter may have diabetes. You are going to want to contact your primary care physician.” What??!! You mean, I get to take the bubblegum flavored medicine for a week and I will be better? Sweet!!

No. Not the case. Little did I know at that point, but my life was about to change forever. That was 17 years ago. I can’t really remember what it was like to NOT have diabetes.

I’m not sure if my dad even got to see the Superbowl that day. Dad?? Did you?? I’m sorry if you didn’t!! My mom called Dr. Bundt on Monday and more tests were done. Tuesday I was taken to the International Diabetes Center (Which just happens to be in the Twin Cities) where I spent about 2 weeks learning about diabetes. Not something a normal 9-year-old has to learn. They taught me how to prick my finger and test my blood. They taught me why I had to do it. They taught me and my parents how to give me insulin. OUCH. They taught me what a pancreas is. Yes, I could tell you what a pancreas did when I was 9 years old. They taught me how to look at food and how to count carbohydrates. They taught me that exercise was really important. Having to take shots? At least I got 2 weeks off of school. It was as good of a trade-off as I could get.

Fast forward 2…??..weeks. Jonna’s birthday party. I still could not give myself a shot. My mom said I couldn’t go to Jonna’s birthday party if I could not take my insulin myself. Ha, well there is NO WAY I was going to miss her party. From that day on, shots were my job.

Fast forward…..11 years. I’m a Junior at Bethel University. My roommates, Janna, Kristin and Lindsay are watching Dr. 90210 on E!. Thank goodness Bethel had cable, because that TV show literally changed my life. If you are not familiar with the show, it is a handful of doctors in California who do plastic surgery liposuction, breast implants and reductions, nose jobs, etc. In this particular episode, a young woman was getting breast implants so she could hide her insulin pump. Now, I don’t remember what her occupation was, or if her breast implants also had to do with that, but on this particular day, a light bulb in my head went off. “That’s genius!” I thought. “I wonder if I could do that!?” I had never wanted to get an insulin pump because I didn’t want to look like a robot or like I had a beeper. Dr. Spencer was very surprised and pleased when I showed up for my next appointment and announced that I wanted to try the insulin pump. I don’t think I mentioned to her where I had gotten the idea to hide the pump in by bra, but when I asked her if she knew anyone that kept it there, she said no. “Well, I’m going to be the first” I said to her.

The rest is history. Granted, I probably don’t hide my pump quite as well as the girl on Dr. 90210, but my appreciation for what God has given me has greatly increased. Yes, that is where I keep my amazing Medtronic Minimed.But it’s location is more in-the-middle-towards-the-lower-half-stuck-between-my-bra-and-my-ribs sort. hehehe.

God is good. Although I can’t remember what it was like not to have diabetes, I’m not sad. The things that I have learned about my body, nutrition, exercise, stress, and how intricately God has designed our bodies are all a blessing to me. I see how God is using me and my diabetes to shine His face to others.

So, Happy Diabetes Birthday to me! 17 years baby!!

hahaha those that got linked to my blog because of the Superbowl have to be SOOOOO disappointed.

2012 Came In With A….bffffghhh

Tags

2012, adjustment, changes, choices, New Years, sovereignty, Spurgeon

Normally New Years is an exciting holiday for me.

Reasons I like it:

1. Almost the ONLY night it is okay to wear an excessive amount of sequins (though many of you sequin-wearers have yet to learn WHERE to wear the sequins- I don’t believe them to be house party garb) The expression is Go BIG or go HOME. If you have on sequins, you have selected BIG. So you automatically cannot go to a HOME.

2. Champagne is more likely on New Years than at a normal party.

3. Most New Year’s gatherings/bars/ restaurants are BUSY. I love it when these places are full. More ambiance.

4. Spend it with people you care about.

5. Represents new beginnings…most of which we assume will be good** (hmmm dun-dun-dun- Jan. is not starting out so)

Reasons I don’t like New Years:

1. Everything is more expensive. And I mean EVERYTHING.

2. Driving on New Years screams danger. People are stupid and I prefer to keep my life. New Years is usually spent out…unless of course you are the one hosting the party. Of all the nights I prefer NOT to be on the road driving or even riding in a car is New Years.

3. Dec 31 (depending on the year) means vacation time is almost over. Back to the rat race. I love my job, but vacation is always a needed break. A break which is usually TOO short.

Unfortunately this year, there was not much of a New Years celebration. I opted for saving money on my flight and leaving on New Years day to head back to Guadalajara. I wish I could blame the unfortunate events of the beginning of 2012 on the fact that I did not celebrate….but I doubt that is the case.

2012 has not started out so hot. Actually, I hate it so far.

There were so many changes that happened during the second half of 2011, it took a lot out of me to adjust and adapt to the newness.

I spent my “summer” which really is not summer at all when it is only 4 1/2 weeks long, working in Guadalajara. The community I was used to was gone, as well as getting permanently smaller. It was a struggle for me to be so alone, but God taught me during that month how He is Comforter.

One of my best friends and roommate, moved back to Minnesota. After 4 years together in Guadalajara, what was I supposed to do without her? God, I know it was time for her to leave, but what was I going to do now? This adjustment was one of the hardest- being so completely excited for the new things God was doing in her, while trying to re-vamp my life here, finding that He is my Sustainer.

Three current and former roommates got engaged and I am ECSTATIC for each of them. Ladies, sexy cakes, silly games, embarrassing tasks, awkward decor and anything else you can think of is heading your way! Graduating from Bethel without a “Ring by Spring” was an achy/stinging moment, but then life goes on and I continued on the adventures that God had planned out and it didn’t sting so much anymore. But they say history, or things like that, go in cycles, right? Ha, well I guess the cycle has come around again.  Their luck in the relationship department should rub off on me right? Lord, show me your purpose in this, because right now I really don’t get it. Help me to be joyful. Truly joyful.

This year I have a semi-new job. I became a Junior High teacher. As far as my job is concerned, this year is my favorite. 6th graders are a riot. I love their awkwardness infused with their strive to “keep it together” as they adjust to this new thing called “Secundaria”. Of the 5 years I have been teaching at Lincoln, this is the job I enjoy the most. Lord, if I feel so right in 6th grade and like my job so much, then why is everything else falling apart?

The most common question when arriving back from Christmas vacation (both in MN and here in Guadalajara) is “¿Cómo estás?” Marin, how are you? Depending on the person asking the question, this could mean a plethora of things.

• How was your vacation? Are you glad to be back?
• How was your time at home? What did they do to try to convince you to move back?
• How are you really? How is your heart?
• How are you? (because I have to greet you to be nice)
• How are you? (so that you will ask me how I am and I can tell you about all the wonderful or not so wonderful things that are happening to me)

Coming back from Christmas vacation, I was feeling good about things. New year. New start. New opportunities. New. Not the case.

There were a couple of things that happened in January that made my heart, mind and body look outwardly sad. Specifics are not needed here. And it was not just one thing. I usually do a good job of hiding bad days, because they don’t last very long, but this time it was a little harder. And this paired with the welcome back question (How are you?) mentioned above, was a toxic combination. On top of this, January seems a little early to me to have to tell my employer if I’m planning on coming back next year, or not. As far as I’m concerned, it might have been better for him to wait for a later date because the circumstances and my mood are screaming at me to run home.

Lord, I love teaching 6th grade, but I long to see changes at school. Do you want me to stay?

Lord, I want to go to grad school…..sometime. And I want to do it at Bethel. Do you want me to start grad school now? How am I going to pay for it without dying from working 2 jobs and studying?

Father, are all these circumstances and my achy heart meant to be pushing me back to the states? Or do I stay another year? I kind of want to go somewhere else, too, Lord. But I don’t want to go alone. Lord, you are enough. I just want to know what to do!?

The changes that happened in the summer and fall were a blessing. God provided me with people at Club Bancario (where I teach swimming lessons) who are not just my colleagues, but my friends. He strengthened relationships with other teachers (new and old) who I never thought I would get to know.

The first week back to Guadalajara after break, I was invited to celebrate the birthday of a friend. She rented out a “salon de fiestas” and invited her few closes friends and their families. She picked me up from my house and her mother was also in the car. She and I have a special bond, both being diabetics; she is fascinated by my pump and the fact that I can eat everything. When in the car, the conversations starts, “Marin, I have not seen you in so long!! How have you been?” Within 2 minutes, me quite silent because I can’t get a word in, I hear, “Te tenemos que encontrar un novio mexicano para que te quedes por siempre” (Marin, we have to find you a Mexican boyfriend so you will stay here forever!) #356 that I have heard that phrase. oof. I realize they are saying this for many reasons: They really care about me and want me to stick around. They know that most American female teachers, don’t stay for an extended amount of time unless they find a mate. By Christian Mexican standards, single at 26, I’m way behind. They are worried for me. This comment is followed by the rest of the women in the car naming off single males they know, and then deciding if they are worthy of presentation, etc. They could not of picked a worse moment to mention all of this. I had to choke back the tears and keep silent as they finished their brainstorming session. I know it is all in love and because they really do care about me, but my standards are high and the ones they have already introduced me to……um they were a no-go.

Now I’m waiting, longing, for God to, once again, show me His purpose in all of this. This being….heartache, plans for next year, grad school or no grad school?, etc. Through the dried up pens because my prayer journal has been out constantly, the puffy eyes and clear snot wiped on my sweatshirt sleeves, I know He is Sovereign.

I will leave you with some of the excerpts of verses and quotes from my journal from January. Things that my heart cries out for and is comforted by.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded, be watchful….your adversary the devil prowls like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:7-10

“For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in You!” Psalm 84:11-12

“Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan and He hears my voice.” Ps. 55:17              I’m so thankful He hears me.

“But this affliction works out such precious results for the Christian who is the subject of it must learn to rejoice in tribulations because as his tribulations abound, so his consolations about in Christ Jesus.”- Spurgeon

“In all our sorrows we have His sympathy. Temptation, pain, disappointment, weakness, weariness, poverty- He knows them all, for He has felt all. Remember this, Christian, and let it comfort you. However difficult and painful your road, it is marked by the footsteps of your Savior; and when you reach the dark valley or the shadow of death and the deep waters of the swelling Jordan, you will find His footprints there.”- Spurgeon

“In His sovereign design God ordains sorrowful tragedy to set the stage for surprising triumph.” – David Platt

Lord, I know your plan and your timing is perfect. I want your will in every area of my life. Why do I have to wonder and struggle and hurt through these things if it is Your will that I want? Show me where to go. Open and close doors and make the path clear for me. I believe your design is sovereign. I’m ready for you to take these sorrowful moments and turn it into surprising triumph.

January is finally almost over. February is almost here. God is good. Happy 2012!

Cheers to one of the best New Year’s Ever with my besties at Axel’s 2009.